Freedom, no more enabling

low section of man against sky
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I don’t even know where to start . . . The awful child hood memories or the memories I’ve received as an adult. I have oldest child syndrome, where I do the most for no apparent reason. I do the good daughter thing, I help my parents out every chance I can even if it breaks me. What do I get it of it?! I get my mother always and I mean ALWAYS choosing her drug addict, thief, violent, multiple convicted son over even her grandchildren. She allowed this guy around my children always letting him bring his crack head gfs and friends around her grandchildren and youngest child in her home. Her explanation, “she would never turn away her children if they need a shower or food”. That’s not the case because I remember very vividly how my children and I were kicked out because I wrote her a letter about her truths and addictions and attitude years ago prior to me going into the military. But never has her son ever ever been treated in that manner. I’ve ignored and let go so much abuse in my life and let them replace truths with their versions of lies and abuse but NO MORE! I am done, I hope she is ok with the choices she’s made in her life. Because I am happy with my choice. I will no longer enable a mother who has no respect for her children, grandchildren or family. I will put my kids first always even if that means if I have to cut them off and not enable their bad behavior so they can actually grow and learn instead of always thinking they can do as they please and hurt the people around them. I will do everything in my power to protect my children even if that’s from their own Grand mother. Life is hard, family is even harder and I am no ones escape goat any longer. These are grown adults always placing blame every except where it belongs. I’m done.

Nights

At 32 years of age with three kids you would think the day would exhaust me into a deep sleep by the time bed time rolled around. Well, while I’m extremely tired from a busy day I still am unable to sleep. Since I was enlisted in the US Army I haven’t been able to get a full night’s sleep without meds. Now I am not the only one that goes through this but man do I want to not dread nights anymore. I want to sleep without medicine and be able to fall into sleep with ease like my husband does 😉. Unfortunately, nights are when my mind likes to keep me awake and with my day starting at 4am there is no reason to go to sleep or even try, seeing that I don’t even go to bed till 3am anyways and that’s with medicine and I still don’t fall asleep till 3am. Tomorrow brings many challenges and I hope I can endure it with no sleep and a mind that doesn’t know how to handle stress like it use too. 🤦 One day at a time…. But I get to see this beauty sleep. ❤️😍