Freedom, no more enabling

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I don’t even know where to start . . . The awful child hood memories or the memories I’ve received as an adult. I have oldest child syndrome, where I do the most for no apparent reason. I do the good daughter thing, I help my parents out every chance I can even if it breaks me. What do I get it of it?! I get my mother always and I mean ALWAYS choosing her drug addict, thief, violent, multiple convicted son over even her grandchildren. She allowed this guy around my children always letting him bring his crack head gfs and friends around her grandchildren and youngest child in her home. Her explanation, “she would never turn away her children if they need a shower or food”. That’s not the case because I remember very vividly how my children and I were kicked out because I wrote her a letter about her truths and addictions and attitude years ago prior to me going into the military. But never has her son ever ever been treated in that manner. I’ve ignored and let go so much abuse in my life and let them replace truths with their versions of lies and abuse but NO MORE! I am done, I hope she is ok with the choices she’s made in her life. Because I am happy with my choice. I will no longer enable a mother who has no respect for her children, grandchildren or family. I will put my kids first always even if that means if I have to cut them off and not enable their bad behavior so they can actually grow and learn instead of always thinking they can do as they please and hurt the people around them. I will do everything in my power to protect my children even if that’s from their own Grand mother. Life is hard, family is even harder and I am no ones escape goat any longer. These are grown adults always placing blame every except where it belongs. I’m done.

Parents

Have you ever been some where with your kid like dance classes, cheerleading or any after school events and noticed the parents judgement being passed around towards one another and the toppers who just can’t help themselves? Lol, it is something I thoroughly enjoy watching. I never engage in such things like that. I’ve been around individuals that did nothing but try to be toppers and judge and make people feel less important than them. That is something I’m not about and never will be. I love myself and people’s authenticities. Not what they may have or may not have or pretending to be fake. So what do I do in these situations you ask? Well, I put my head phones in and observe there very imperfect human naturea 🤣😉😊❤️ . Stay weird, be different, and remember there is no other person you have to impress. 🥰

Placing Blame

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When as an adult does one look at themselves and accept responsibility for their actions? For instance, I won’t name anyone in particular because this can be for all kinds of people, but when you make a mistake or hurt another maybe not intentionally at the time because you did not know any better maybe because that was just your surroundings or how you were raised. But then there is the awakening when there are consequences to your actions and instead of placing blame where it belongs you point your finger to another or completely ignore the situation and when being faced with it you act as if it never happened or its obviously someone else’s fault. I want to tell a story about a young mixed girl that was raised in a racist family. That technically was not her biological family just one she was put in to by a marriage. Now she was raised with name calling and emotionally and physical abuse that will never be acknowledged or apologized for, which is fine. That young girl is now a woman and a mother herself, where she is loved and admired for all that she is. Now, those same abusers that she was raised around were of course not of mixed blood and had their ignorance’s and values and assumptions on how the world should work, for instance their white daughters could no way ever be with a black man and if so, they would be punished. Now this lonely mixed girl, the only one of mixed race in the family at the time heard these things out of the patriarchs of these families she was thrown into. Ask yourself, how was she supposed to feel? Does she feel excluded? Does she feel scared? Now at the time of these remarks, that had happened as far back she could remember it started at a very young age. Let’s skip to the future a little bit. those kids grew, she grew, and those patriarchs’ daughters did date black guys and even one had mixed kids of her own. Now, one of those patriarchs smiles down at his beautiful grandchildren with nothing but love and admiration. But, yet that once young girl who is now a woman looks and studies those same people and never have, they apologized for their actions for those awful things they did and once said and instilled into their children. Which by the way if you haven’t caught on yet it was hate. He was ignorantly teaching hate. This is not the only man, nor women that will do this or continue to do this but, in this situation, in this story I still wonder when someone accepts blame and responsibility for their actions. Do they stare at those grand children or nieces and nephews with guilt in their heart? Or do they place blame to others, ignore it, or even act as if they never were that way? It is hard to say, because again that little girl that had been abused by these men and their families never acknowledge their faults or mistakes as a human being and love to place blame where it does not belong. I can admit when I am wrong, because I happen to be human and sometimes, I wish those people or any person with those faults place blame where it really belongs. Racism, hate, discrimination and ignorance are taught, and people need to place the blame where it belongs and accept responsibility for their own actions. People may not say it, may not acknowledge it but it is there, when they look at that person and it may be forgiven but it is not forgotten. But one thing is for sure that little girl who is a woman now makes sure to raise her children with the love and respect all human kind deserves. People must have patience for themselves and for others.

Nights

At 32 years of age with three kids you would think the day would exhaust me into a deep sleep by the time bed time rolled around. Well, while I’m extremely tired from a busy day I still am unable to sleep. Since I was enlisted in the US Army I haven’t been able to get a full night’s sleep without meds. Now I am not the only one that goes through this but man do I want to not dread nights anymore. I want to sleep without medicine and be able to fall into sleep with ease like my husband does 😉. Unfortunately, nights are when my mind likes to keep me awake and with my day starting at 4am there is no reason to go to sleep or even try, seeing that I don’t even go to bed till 3am anyways and that’s with medicine and I still don’t fall asleep till 3am. Tomorrow brings many challenges and I hope I can endure it with no sleep and a mind that doesn’t know how to handle stress like it use too. 🤦 One day at a time…. But I get to see this beauty sleep. ❤️😍

Walking away from it all…

Growing up in a family full of narcists and psychos. I made it out barely. I was raised to think I was going to be a no body. That I was just nothing. I was told I could have been given away and I’m lucky she didn’t. I get lied about and disrespected for defending my own family. I literally am accused of things that never happened only because of their jealously or because I spoke the TRUTH. People attack me and my family first then say I’m the one who started things. Never have I lied about anything I have said about a person and I never will. I’m 100 % honest and will always be that way. I am cutting the rotten ouy of my life for good. No more handouts no more shoulder for people to cry on no more listening. I’m done with it all. People are cruel and unjust in their behaviors. It’s apparently wrong to want face to face judgement and communication. Because everyone loves online now. Or whispers behinds everyone’s back. I’m a weird person I guess. I like to talk things out face to face. I have earned everything and did everything in my life on my own. I don’t get handouts, I don’t have a daddy bail me out. Shit the only dad I knew treated me like a piece of shit till I joined the military. But at the end of the day after all the bs I have learned I alone have my back. I alone have to defend myself and I alone will always be better than the spoiled, self rightious people I know. Here’s to never ever speaking to another soul in my life.