Freedom, no more enabling

low section of man against sky
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I don’t even know where to start . . . The awful child hood memories or the memories I’ve received as an adult. I have oldest child syndrome, where I do the most for no apparent reason. I do the good daughter thing, I help my parents out every chance I can even if it breaks me. What do I get it of it?! I get my mother always and I mean ALWAYS choosing her drug addict, thief, violent, multiple convicted son over even her grandchildren. She allowed this guy around my children always letting him bring his crack head gfs and friends around her grandchildren and youngest child in her home. Her explanation, “she would never turn away her children if they need a shower or food”. That’s not the case because I remember very vividly how my children and I were kicked out because I wrote her a letter about her truths and addictions and attitude years ago prior to me going into the military. But never has her son ever ever been treated in that manner. I’ve ignored and let go so much abuse in my life and let them replace truths with their versions of lies and abuse but NO MORE! I am done, I hope she is ok with the choices she’s made in her life. Because I am happy with my choice. I will no longer enable a mother who has no respect for her children, grandchildren or family. I will put my kids first always even if that means if I have to cut them off and not enable their bad behavior so they can actually grow and learn instead of always thinking they can do as they please and hurt the people around them. I will do everything in my power to protect my children even if that’s from their own Grand mother. Life is hard, family is even harder and I am no ones escape goat any longer. These are grown adults always placing blame every except where it belongs. I’m done.

Placing Blame

silhouette photo of man leaning on heart shaped tree
Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

When as an adult does one look at themselves and accept responsibility for their actions? For instance, I won’t name anyone in particular because this can be for all kinds of people, but when you make a mistake or hurt another maybe not intentionally at the time because you did not know any better maybe because that was just your surroundings or how you were raised. But then there is the awakening when there are consequences to your actions and instead of placing blame where it belongs you point your finger to another or completely ignore the situation and when being faced with it you act as if it never happened or its obviously someone else’s fault. I want to tell a story about a young mixed girl that was raised in a racist family. That technically was not her biological family just one she was put in to by a marriage. Now she was raised with name calling and emotionally and physical abuse that will never be acknowledged or apologized for, which is fine. That young girl is now a woman and a mother herself, where she is loved and admired for all that she is. Now, those same abusers that she was raised around were of course not of mixed blood and had their ignorance’s and values and assumptions on how the world should work, for instance their white daughters could no way ever be with a black man and if so, they would be punished. Now this lonely mixed girl, the only one of mixed race in the family at the time heard these things out of the patriarchs of these families she was thrown into. Ask yourself, how was she supposed to feel? Does she feel excluded? Does she feel scared? Now at the time of these remarks, that had happened as far back she could remember it started at a very young age. Let’s skip to the future a little bit. those kids grew, she grew, and those patriarchs’ daughters did date black guys and even one had mixed kids of her own. Now, one of those patriarchs smiles down at his beautiful grandchildren with nothing but love and admiration. But, yet that once young girl who is now a woman looks and studies those same people and never have, they apologized for their actions for those awful things they did and once said and instilled into their children. Which by the way if you haven’t caught on yet it was hate. He was ignorantly teaching hate. This is not the only man, nor women that will do this or continue to do this but, in this situation, in this story I still wonder when someone accepts blame and responsibility for their actions. Do they stare at those grand children or nieces and nephews with guilt in their heart? Or do they place blame to others, ignore it, or even act as if they never were that way? It is hard to say, because again that little girl that had been abused by these men and their families never acknowledge their faults or mistakes as a human being and love to place blame where it does not belong. I can admit when I am wrong, because I happen to be human and sometimes, I wish those people or any person with those faults place blame where it really belongs. Racism, hate, discrimination and ignorance are taught, and people need to place the blame where it belongs and accept responsibility for their own actions. People may not say it, may not acknowledge it but it is there, when they look at that person and it may be forgiven but it is not forgotten. But one thing is for sure that little girl who is a woman now makes sure to raise her children with the love and respect all human kind deserves. People must have patience for themselves and for others.

Nights

At 32 years of age with three kids you would think the day would exhaust me into a deep sleep by the time bed time rolled around. Well, while I’m extremely tired from a busy day I still am unable to sleep. Since I was enlisted in the US Army I haven’t been able to get a full night’s sleep without meds. Now I am not the only one that goes through this but man do I want to not dread nights anymore. I want to sleep without medicine and be able to fall into sleep with ease like my husband does 😉. Unfortunately, nights are when my mind likes to keep me awake and with my day starting at 4am there is no reason to go to sleep or even try, seeing that I don’t even go to bed till 3am anyways and that’s with medicine and I still don’t fall asleep till 3am. Tomorrow brings many challenges and I hope I can endure it with no sleep and a mind that doesn’t know how to handle stress like it use too. 🤦 One day at a time…. But I get to see this beauty sleep. ❤️😍

Bye

When is enough, enough? When do you stop defending your loved ones? When has it become ok to hide behind a computer screen and argue like a scared kid? That’s what bullies do. I don’t. I do not hide from anyone. I’m not a child and I don’t stalk people on social media EVER. One thing is true though. I do speak the truth whether it is in person or on social media. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong and when I need to apologise. But I am a good person. I make mistakes and I defended my family when I shouldn’t have. I believed my family when they were just trying to hurt me. The jokes on them. Cause their lives will always be worthless. They all will be stuck in their perpetual ignorance and lies. But I’m setting myself free. I’m letting go of them all. I’m taking my kids and I’m going as soon as I can. If you have a family that continues to bully, shame you, spread lies or degrade you then just leave. Blood is not everything. You can make a family some where else. Don’t put up with abuse. It took me so long to find this out. Soon I’ll be gone and I can’t wait. Stay strong people. Not everyone can be. ❤️❤️

Walking away from it all…

Growing up in a family full of narcists and psychos. I made it out barely. I was raised to think I was going to be a no body. That I was just nothing. I was told I could have been given away and I’m lucky she didn’t. I get lied about and disrespected for defending my own family. I literally am accused of things that never happened only because of their jealously or because I spoke the TRUTH. People attack me and my family first then say I’m the one who started things. Never have I lied about anything I have said about a person and I never will. I’m 100 % honest and will always be that way. I am cutting the rotten ouy of my life for good. No more handouts no more shoulder for people to cry on no more listening. I’m done with it all. People are cruel and unjust in their behaviors. It’s apparently wrong to want face to face judgement and communication. Because everyone loves online now. Or whispers behinds everyone’s back. I’m a weird person I guess. I like to talk things out face to face. I have earned everything and did everything in my life on my own. I don’t get handouts, I don’t have a daddy bail me out. Shit the only dad I knew treated me like a piece of shit till I joined the military. But at the end of the day after all the bs I have learned I alone have my back. I alone have to defend myself and I alone will always be better than the spoiled, self rightious people I know. Here’s to never ever speaking to another soul in my life.

Life as I know it

It is so frustrating when people act as if you have all the time in the world. Everyone wants something from me whether it be my time, money, or something. Never do I get a break in this life. I’m constantly running out of time and never do I finish things all in one day. But I am reminded by other they too are impatient and need something from me. Why is it people can be so intrusive, cruel, use others whether it be for time or money, knowing it is wrong. I don’t get it. I love my life with my small family and there are people who just won’t leave us alone no matter how much I try to do the right thing. What is the right thing to do? Because no matter what I do, minding my own business people still emotionally abuse me. When will it stop? No matter how honest and up front I am, when will it stop?

IMG_20180423_133220.jpg
Maker:S,Date:2017-8-20,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-Y

What they don’t know! But must be told….

What they don’t know, is not any of their business but some people are so nosey they can not help themselves. I have been that person, who hasn’t?! Well, What they don’t know is in this relationship of almost 14 years there have been great, good, bad, and awful moments. What they don’t know is that not one single sole but two individuals in the relationship know precisely what is going on. They don’t know year nine was the year she decided to take no more abuse. That is the only year anyone knows about because she let it out.

Not letting out his information or past within the relationship but just hers. To everyone now she was now this awful wife, mother, and friend. Because what they did not know and given misguided information; instead of minding their business they were concerned with hers. What they didn’t realize was she sacrificed so much for her relationship. Mind, body, and soul; for nine whole years throughout the ups and downs she held on to his abuse, emotionally, physically, and mentally. The leaving and returning, the cheating, verbal abuse, and personally my favorite the affairs. This was through the first nine years; throughout the nine years she stayed faithful to him and allowed the abuse without doing unto him as he did to her.

Year 9; what they didn’t know is she couldn’t take anymore and became something she was not proud of and instead, the higher road did not look as good as payback. So taking the lower path which looked so much more enticing, made others gossip, lie, and call her names. But that is still ok because what they didn’t know is that these trials and tribulations only made her stronger and therefore made their relationship stronger. She never gave up on the relationship and never did she not own her mistakes, like so many of those that were putting themselves in her business. No one is perfect, but in the end, she found two wrongs did not make it right, and they grew in strength, and nothing was tearing them apart.

What they didn’t know is that this woman does not have mind control over others, she never makes anyone do anything they do not want to do, or is she going to own every one of her own mistakes like so many around her DO NOT do or even acknowledge. But instead, what they did not know was she ended up a stronger woman, wife, mother, and friend. She never once left her children, never not once did she turn her back on her husband, she just was human. Pain can make people do awful things, and it can also make you a stronger person. But what people need to understand is there is so much more THEY DO NOT KNOW! The story is not over, they have many more trials and tribulations, but in the end, they will make it. What they do not know is that these two people are not perfect but perfect for each other. Our grass may need mowed and watered sometimes, but ours is REAL, RAW, HAPPY, LOVING, FORGIVING, AND BEST OF ALL HUMAN.

In the end, what they don’t know is still NONE OF THIER FUCKING BUSINESS!! This is for those that just HAVE TO KNOW because it is so much easier ignoring their own flaws within their relationships.

shallow focus photography of green grasses during daytime
Photo by FOX on Pexels.com